Who I nearly missed out on...

Eleven years ago, I found myself in the exact same situation.  When I looked at the second pregnancy test that revealed I was pregnant, I felt nothing but panic.  I was unwed and had huge hopes and dreams that I would have to sacrifice if I actually had this child.  Fortunately, I knew that all of this could ‘disappear’ quickly and quietly, and my lifestyle wouldn’t have to change, I wouldn’t lose my figure, I wouldn’t have to endure the shame and humiliation of being a young, undwed mom, and I could still do everything I had always wanted to.  All I had to do was get an abortion.  No problem!  Many of my friends had done it, and I could too.  It wasn’t actually a baby inside me yet, it was just a bunch of cells, right?  No problem.  An abortion would get rid of this mess and life would return to being good.

In a few hours, I am going to pick up my ten and a half year old son.  You see, my boyfriend at the time fought for me to keep the baby.  He refused to let me have an abortion.  And because of that, I now have the most beautiful child.

Yes, I chose the hard route.  And no, it wasn’t easy.  I gave up my old life and my old dreams, and lost most of my friends who couldn’t relate to me any more.  I have sacrificed so much for him.  I raised him mostly on my own after his father left, and have had some very dark times.  It has been a very difficult journey.  Yet, I thank God every day that I have this gift. I shudder to think of how I nearly disposed of him like he was nothing.  I was told that he was just a bunch of cells and that it didn’t matter.  And so, I nearly killed my son.  However, they lied.  He wasn’t just a bunch of cells.  He was my son, a beautiful boy who is alive today only because his father talked me out of an abortion.  His father saved his life.  When I think of what I could have lost, I am overcome.  Why didn’t anyone tell me the truth about my baby?

I have friends who did go through with an abortion: and they are still suffering from their decision.  Everyone says an abortion is no big deal, that it is a minor procedure and then you get your normal life back.  But no one ever talks about the devastation, about how ripped apart you feel, how empty, how gutted.  I don’t think they tell you how you mourn and grieve for your child.  I don’t think they tell you how every baby you see haunts and tortures you. I don’t think they tell you about the lifelong sorrow and regret.  I don’t think they tell you how most wish that they had chosen differently, even knowing it would be hard.  No one lets you consider the fact that it is your own flesh and blood, a beautiful baby in the making.  No one tells you how strong you will be as as mother, no one tells you that you will somehow find a way to give your baby a good life.  No one tells you how complete you feel when you hold your baby in your arms for the first time.  No one tells you how your baby will be the one who heals you and brings you a better life than you could have ever imagined.  They just tell you it is your body, your choice, that it is a simple medical procedure… yet, those who have done this procedure know that it is not that simple.  They know the truth.

I am taking my friend on a weekend road trip in a few days, along with  my son.  I will tell her my story, and she will meet my boy, and I hope that she will see what she will lose, should she choose to go forth with her decision.  For if she looks at my life, she will see that no matter where my former path was taking me, nothing could have been more rewarding and joyous than this path of motherhood.

If you are struggling with your decision, email me at foundationsofsapphire@gmail.com.

If you have had an abortion, the Lord wants you to know that He has your child with Him, and is taking good care of him or her.  It is time you forgave yourself and release your burden to Him and begin walking with Him.  He will restore you.

On Labour Day this year, my son and I moved to a new city.  Despite God’s continued prompting and confirmation that this was the next step for us, it took me eight months and a lot of faith to actually take the first step.  I was terrified.  Not only would I be leaving the safety and comfort of my hometown, where I had lived for twenty years, but I would be moving to a city where my rent would be more than double what it was in my old place, and I would have to uproot my son and place him in an new school and environment. Could I really trust that this was the best plan for our lives?

However, I felt so strongly that this is where God wanted us to be that I needed to be obedient, no matter how scared I was.  So, in September, we moved into a new little basement suite, which was far more expensive and not nearly as nice as the suite we’d been living in in our old town.  My son switched schools, and I too, returned to school to complete my teaching certificate.   This meant that I was on student loans, which I have survived on in previous years.  I figured I would be fine.

However, mid October, with three months to go before the new student loan came in, the money ran out.  The cost of living in this new city plus tuition was far higher than I’d expected.  I had a moment of panic and almost believed that He had called me out to this new adventure only to watch me fail.  However, I took a deep breath, and for once, just chose to TRUST instead of STRESS. From that point, instead of stressing out because I didn’t have money to provide for myself and my son, I began to praise him for bringing me out to this new city and new adventure, and for the provision He would surely send, for I knew He did not call me out here just to see me fail.

Sure enough, the Lord came through miraculously.  Although I’ve had no income over the past two months, all of my bills have been paid on time, my rent has been paid, my car has been filled with gas, and I have yet to go hungry.  When I prayed desperately for a new winter jacket for my son, which I could not afford, within a week, he had a brand new, expensive winter jacket given to him.  Almost weekly, I receive money in the mail, or someone will offer to fill up my tank.  The best part is: I didn’t ask for a single dollar from anyone.  My Father, the Almighty God, simply nudged many people to help me in my time of financial need.  He has put my son and I on people’s hearts and minds, and in obedience to Him, these people faithfully send means of provision.  He cares for the sparrows and clothes the lilies, how much more will  He provide for me, His daughter?

Dear friend, it will be the same for you.  If the days ahead look dark and you wonder how you are going to make that next payment, pay that phone bill, buy groceries for your family, take it from me:  if you will take that leap of faith like I did and CHOOSE to trust God to provide and care for you, you will be able to walk ahead in confidence and joy, for the Lord will provide.  I can say this with assurance, for He did it for me, and He will most assuredly provide for you.  I believe it.

If you do not yet know Jesus, I am here to tell you that He awaits you.  He knows everything about you, and He loves you (even all the yucky parts).  Trust me, I probably have more yuckiness than you do and have done many terrible things, but even so, Jesus loves me.  Ask Him to reveal Himself to you, and ask Him to help you in your needs… and don’t forget to thank Him when He pulls through for you.  You don’t have to be alone any longer.  Give your burdens to Jesus and start to walk with Him.  If you have any questions about this, please email me at foundationsofsapphire@gmail.com.

Do not oppress the orphan or the widow ~ Jeremiah 7:6-7

Learn to do well fo the fatherless and the widow ~ Isiaiah 1:17

He executes justice for the widow ~ Deuteronomy 10:13

Do not afflict the widows or orphans ~ Exodus 22:22-24

The bible speaks of the plight of the widow and the fatherless numerous times.  The Lord promises to avenge, defend, feed, care, sustain, fill with joy, lead them, guide them, protect them, listen to them, comfort and wipe away their tears…in short, all the duties a husband would perform and then some. 

I think that if Jesus walked this earth as a man today, his heart would break for the single mothers, aka the ‘new widows’, the husband-less women who must raise their families alone.  However these women came to be raising children alone–perhaps a husband dies, or leaves, or perhaps the woman leaves, or perhaps the woman never married at all, or decides to raise her sister’s children or to adopt her own, on her own–the plight of the husband-less woman raising children is one that can no longer be ignored, with more marriages failing now than succeeding, and more pre-marital sex ending in pregnancy than ever. 

I am a single mother, and the ‘worst’ kind of single mother, the kind with the most ‘shame’ attached.  I was never married to begin with.  I am not single due to a husband’s death.  In fact, a wedding ring never has and quite possibly never will grace that oh-so-important finger on the left hand, and therefore cannot even cling to the dignity that my child was conceived in marriage.  I had a child at nineteen years old, after falling in love with a man who decided he was no longer interested in me shortly after our son was born.  I am one of THOSE kinds of single mothers, about whom there will be gossip and disrespect and judgement enough that would make me want to run away to Bali if I let it get to me.  But these days…I find my confidence in Another…

So, I am one of the increasing group of single mothers.  And the life of a single mother is HARD.  There have been days when I have had nothing in my bank account, where I have fallen asleep in tears begging God to provide.  He hasn’t let me down yet.  I have been so incredibly lonely, but never alone.  God is always, always right there with me…He promises never to leave me or forsake me, like so many others have.  Somedays, when my son speaks to me disrespectfully and behaves poorly, I want to scream in frustration because I don’t know how to to stem the poor behaviour and I don’t have a clue how to properly discipline or train him up to be a good man.  However, God not only comforts me and fills me with peace, He also guides me into being the best parent I can be, and steers me clear of terrible parenting.   When I am overwhelmed and collapse in tears and the end of a day…He is there with me, holding me, crying with me and collecting every single tear I cry in a jar.  I’m going to trade them all for diamonds one day!

You see, being a single mom isn’t so bad after all.  For God promises that when there is no husband, He steps in as the head of your household, He is your husband if you will only turn from your old ways and turn to Him.  He is our Provider: will ALWAYS be faithful to provide money, food, clothing, support…ALL your needs will be taken care of.  He is our Comforter, who will never leave us or forsake us; He is our Avenger and Redeemer–he will fight for us and wrong those who have wronged us; He will deliver us, save us from all sorts of things (including ourselves!) and best of all He will restore us: he will change our hearts, get rid of all the yuck and like the verse says, He will trade our beauty for our ashes; joy for our mourning…he will redeem and restore us to better places and greater ventures than we could ever ask for or imagine!

“You will forget the shame of your youth and remember no more the reproach of your widowhood.  For your Maker is your husband–The Lord Almighty is His name–The Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer..”   ~Isaiah 54:4-5

See? There you have it.  The new widow–the single mother–is only truly alone if she choses not to follow the Lord, and that is the saddest plight of all.  Take heart!  Put your trust in the Lord and watch him restore you as He has and continues to restore me and countless other single mothers. We don’t have it so bad with a perfect husband on our side!

 For any woman out there who is or has been broken, may you find hope, healing and complete restoration through our only Hope: Jesus who promises, that if we put aside the things of the past and place our trust in Him, he will ”trade beauty for your ashes, joy for your mourning….”

 From a woman currently emerging from the ashes…welcome to this little blog.